Dear Mr TDA,
So how are you this week?
I hope you’ve had a great week. I really hope that you have managed to keep safe considering the snowy weather and that it has not affected you too deeply. If you have been going in to work, I hope that you have had safe and smooth journeys in.
You know, I am mentally asking myself a somewhat interesting question. What would happen, that is, what would I do if I were unexpectedly to see you in the street one day? Would I freeze, would I just stare, would we be able to talk? I have addressed quite deep and sensitive things here on this blog in a very one-sided way. If we were to meet in person would we be able to launch straight into these deep, sensitive conversations, or would we need to be tentative with one another and start circling about again, right back at that very shy beginning? I guess that what would be really unexciting would be if I were to bump into you in the street one day and kind of hesitantly smile at you, and you would of course recognise me, but there would be no deeper recognition in your eyes beyond that, and I would realise that you have not, after all, been reading this blog… On the flip side, I do believe that if I were to look at you I would instantly know if you had been reading this blog.
Speaking of which, are you the one who has been reading this blog?! At the moment the readership of this blog is so low, that it really does feel as if it has been just a single person reading the blog. Over the years I have invested lots of work into this blog, and the fact that so few people are currently reading it does not make me happy at all! And yet I know that there are a few people who apparently read it very regularly…but never leave comments. I’ve happily let myself think that you might be one of those readers. However, I’m also aware that this might be completely wrong. Perhaps I would be stunned to find out who has been reading this!
Lately I’ve been thinking a little about hugs between me and you. I mean hugs of friendship, the kind of hug that acknowledges the awkwardness that has existed between us but seems to say: “Let’s put it behind us, and let’s be friends!” Candidly speaking, I don’t know whether even one of those hugs would be a good idea; it was still the “wishful thinking” part of my mind that was thinking those thoughts! A hug might start off with the best of intentions, and then I would suddenly remember whose arms I’m in, and how deeply attractive I find you, and… it would very quickly turn from being a forgiveness hug on your part, and a “let’s be friends, I’m sorry for making you think I did not like you” hug on mine, to being something a lot more illicitly exciting!
In addition to your arms, and your hug, you know what else
I would like I have been daydreaming about? Your voice. Your broad accent. And you know what else? Your mansplaining! I hope that I would never live to regret these words! However there is something deeply reassuring about the thought of your confidently explaining to me things that I already know inside out. I don’t know whether it is just general yearning that might make me think this. If ever I got fed up of I’m sure I will be able to say “Actually, I already knew that!” I just hope I would have the grace to say it gently.
For the benefit of anyone else reading this, I don’t want to make it sound as if Mr TDA mansplained me constantly. Because he did not! It literally only happened once (that I can remember, and somehow I’m sure that I would remember!) I guess the reason why I would be dreaming of it is because it is so male! (I hope that I am not being desperately sexist here!) I was thinking that mansplaining is to men as to nagging someone to dress warmly is to women. Obviously you know the ramifications of snow and extreme cold…obviously you are aware of the need to wrap up warmly and eat a warm breakfast…but that does not stop me from pointing these things out anyway! So thinking of your mansplaining me equates to thinking of you being comfortable with your masculinity around me. Also, it expresses concern, especially if it comes wrapped up in a warm tender hug. Which is why I think myself unlikely to be complaining! I cannot speak for all feminists, of course. However I am the kind of feminist who dreams of standing in a man’s embrace (actually with you I dream more of seated hugs), and letting myself enjoy the fact that you are after all a man, and bigger and stronger than I am. And also letting you look after me and protect me; allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable in your arms; and if that involves a little cooing mansplaining from you, then that is all part of the package!
You know, I let my mind focus on some self-flattering thoughts recently. I thought to myself that if indeed you are reading these posts, and yet insisting on staying away from me, refusing to email me, it does not necessarily mean that this is completely one-sided. It might be that you also are exercising judgement and discipline. For all I know, when you saw me all those times, you also thought to yourself: “I must stay away from her!” (Or maybe that thought only occurred to you when you received my letter!)
Finally, I honestly cannot believe that it is March already! Can you?! Wow, this year has flown by so far! And you know what, writing these posts to you acts as a kind of anchor to my week! Not the only one, of course, but definitely one of my favourites 🙂
Well I hope you have a great weekend! Please please continue to take care re the snow and the ice on the grounds. Apparently this snow mayhem might continue right into next week, possibly even into the week beyond. (Seriously?!) You know, I would “secretly” love you to permanently reconsider your favourite mode of transport altogether, but that is probably a conversation to be had privately.
Living in perpetual hope, Tosin 🙂