Dear Mr TDA,
Well here we are, at the beginning of another New Year!
I hope that the New Year has gone well for you so far and that it promises to be a wonderful year for you! You know I feel so bad that I am here writing on a screen the things that I should have been able to share with you, as with anyone, spontaneously and easily when seeing you face-to-face. And now here I am trying to make up for my lack of face-to-face friendliness! I hope that you can understand; I feel as if I am apologising endlessly…
So what occurred to me that I wanted to talk to you about was why I eventually decided to go for a full “confession”, rather than a mere apology. As I was saying in my post from New Year’s Day, the point arrived where I realised that my behaviour had been so bad and so rude that I really owed you an apology, and there was simply no way of trying to bluff my way out of it. However, I was initially thinking that I would offer you a sincere, heartfelt apology, but without an explanation of the reason why I had actually acted that way.
Sincerely, I cannot now articulate the reason why or the point when I decided to myself “I’m going to tell him! I’m going to tell him everything!” Part of it though was because I had acted this same way before for the same reason. And in my apology to “Mr Uni Guy” made on this blog I said that if I had had the strength, I would have admitted to him the real reason for my behaviour. I always felt really bad for walking away from that situation without coming clean, not for the sake of possibly opening the possibility of a romantic relationship with him, but rather to stop him from feeling bad about my behaviour.
Seriously these thoughts, this apology they were all filling my mind constantly in those last few weeks. You know, I’ve got so many drafts scribbled over so many pages of my notebook from those weeks, when I was still in “apology mode” rather than “full confession mode” of how to phrase the apology. The aim with the apology was to be totally sincere as I have said, but to not in any way raise the possibility of attraction at all. Because of that I could not try to offer an explanation.
Part of the reason I decided to go with a full confession rather than just an apology is because I thought that only a full confession would actually make sense. And also, of course, because I hoped that it might be a little flattering, and it might help to mitigate any anger that you might feel towards me and my behaviour towards you.
Not walking away?
When I was in “apology mode”, the idea was to simply offer the apology, and walk away. Not offer any possibility for…anything whatsoever, just continue to keep my distance as I had been doing for the last one and a half years. But it was in the process of writing out my “full confession” that based on what I had come to know about you, that as a nice gesture to counterbalance my previous bahaviour, I thought would invite myself to….your life. And it was from there that the idea of trying to “redeem my behaviour/friendship” just took hold. It was not supposed to be any kind of big deal, back then I was thinking just once or twice to insert a bit of friendliness where previously this had been absent and you know – end of story! Although I guess there is also the fact that I invited you to…somewhere else! I guess I have to sit down and think through that a bit more! Ah yes, that is it, I of course discovered the one thing that might potentially make this romantically viable, to my never-ending surprise, and it ignited a tiny spark of hope within me…
Fast forward a few months, and here we are today.
You know something else?! I originally intended to send that apology to you on my last day. Back then I think that it would only have been an apology. (I could find out for sure by looking through all my notebooks…) This makes me giggle a bit as I am writing this. I originally intended to send it to you by email. So I was going to type it out on the last day, and then email it to you… But then I rethought this original option. And then I thought maybe I would print it out and leave it for you on your desk. The expectation in both of these is that you would have seen it when you next came in, on the Monday. But then I was struck with this fear that actually, you would still be in the building when I was furtively trying to leave it for you, and you would see it and read it – and then that same day you and I would have bumped into one another after you had read this with my big elaborate apology and it would have been so awful and awkward and I would just have wanted to melt from embarrassment. You know, in everything, it was not admitting it to you in itself that was my difficulty. Look, here I am practically shouting it from the rooftops! Rather it was having to face you afterwards and being
so shy and so scared, and then also the awkwardness… You know, regarding you, I’ve really got to stop describing myself as being shy. In my life, I have genuinely been immobilised by real shyness, many many many times. With you, however, it was not shyness, it was sheer cold fear that my attraction to you combined with my potent feelings of loneliness would overpower my self-control. If I had been able to overcome that fear, I would not have been shy at all!
So in the event I chickened out altogether from sending it on that last day. Please believe me that writing this thing preoccupied me for the next one and a half weeks until I did eventually send it.
Also I am so sorry for the slightly shambolic appearance of what I did send you. Believe it or not, I really went to efforts to make it look attractive. By the time I sent it to you so much time had already elapsed that my priority was to simply send it to you rather than worry about how it looked…
This is completely not connected but I was also thinking that it is such a shame that you blocked me on Facebook, because, erm, there were a couple of photos of you on there ( I literally mean two photos) that I really liked. Can you guess which ones they are?! I did sincerely only check out your Facebook profile that one weekend but there were a couple of photos that really jumped out at me… There were also a few photos on “that other online source” which I quite liked, but I’ve been really disciplined and I’ve managed not to go back to keep looking at them over and over and over!
Well this is it then until next week.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend, Tosin 🙂