Well Happy New Year Mr TDA. I hope you had a great new year. I totally wish you the very best for this new year. I hope you manage to achieve all your dreams and all your plans for the year. I wonder whether you and I will see one another at all this year. I hope that if we do, that it will be cool, even if it is as random as accidentally passing one another in the street. Please do not be offended if I behave in that characteristic way that I always behave towards you. It’s just me being scared. And now that the genie is well and truly out of the bottle, I am doubly scared!
Oh yeah! I’ve finally thought of a way that I could have apologised towards you. You know, after one of those many “lift incidents” I felt so awful, and I thought “I’ve got to apologise to this man!” However the one thing that stopped me was this: the knowledge that despite the apology I would continue to behave towards you in that exact same way and I would have had to keep apologising and apologising. Would you have liked that? As it is I am sure you guessed what was at the root of my behaviour anyway. In the multiple apology scenario however, it would just have been too embarrassingly obvious. Honestly, if I could have trusted myself to have apologised just once and then behaved normally towards you, then I would have done that! (That is, I would have apologised without going into reasons why…) And it would have been awkward and weird for a bit, and then afterwards it would have been fine!
But candidly speaking, the more important reason why I decided not to issue you an apology, even though I definitely owed you one, is because I knew that no matter how light and innocent and non-threatening I made the apology, off the back of that I would somehow have found a way to end up hugging you at best, at worst possibly hugging you and simultaneously dangling precariously from your lips. Please trust me; I know myself. (Not that that has ever happened before, I hasten to add!) Please remember that in your hug is where I wanted to be anyway, I had to constantly be fighting myself to prevent that from happening! That is why I eventually decided to wait until there was a nice safe distance between you and me before finally issuing my long overdue apology. I’m so sorry if in the meantime I made you think that I did not like you, or that the way I was behaving was somehow your fault.
So anyway here is the light-hearted apology that I’ve finally been able to think of. Oh something else just occurred to me: having to face you after writing something like this would have been beyond embarrassing. It is not just that it would have been difficult for me; I was not just thinking about my own fear of awkwardness. I imagine that it may have been difficult for you too.
Anyway, here it is: (to have been sent by email…)
“Hi …. I am so sorry for what just happened at the lifts. I know I have behaved this same exact way towards you a million times before. Please do not take it personally! Such a long story!!! By the way, I really like your suit!!!”
So…what would you have thought about that?! Would I have been able to get away with that?! (Considerably shorter than my eventual apology, no?!) What I’m going to say next might sound a bit strange but I am being perfectly serious. I was too scared to speak to you in person, but apparently fine over email. So I was seriously considering just communicating to you over email. So all the things I would have said to someone else in person, just saying them to you over email. Perhaps trying to start it off like this:
“Hi…. I am so sorry about what just happened… again! I’m sorry if I am coming across as being really rude. It is a long story, but please (please please!) don’t take it personally.
Could I ask you a huge favour? This might sound really strange, but I find it really hard to speak with you in person but I’m apparently fine over email!….”
Yeah, that’s super weird isn’t it! I guess if I had tried that, the “confession” – the full thing – would have come out within milliseconds! The reason I did not try that is because I knew that one of two things would probably happen. Firstly we might end up in the kind of hug scenario as above. With all other men, a hug is not by any means lethal, just perhaps ill-advised. With you however – no way! If I had hugged you, even once, I can almost guarantee you that you and I would still be standing there, even as I write this, months and months later, still caught in that very same hug. You probably think I’m joking! So that would have been the first possibility.
The second one is that all HR would have broken loose. I could just imagine you glaring at me from across a disciplinary meeting, while I did my best to look shame-faced and remorseful…
So yes, I clearly also decided against that mode of action!
Oh and something else I’ve never said all this time: you’re really good at pushing lift buttons!