Why is it that the very best and funniest stories always start with those 4 words?!
Before I go any further, I just want to take some time to type out a few lines for myself:
I MUST STOP IDOLISING MARRIAGE!
MY EXPECTATIONS OF MARRIAGE MUST BE GROUNDED IN REALITY!!!!!
So anyway, as I was saying, there’s this guy!
There’s this person I know from a certain context and my eyes very quickly got stuck on him – and stayed there!
This would not actually be remotely postworthy except that – oh man, I had to go and do it again – just like with Mr Uni Guy I was too scared to speak to him normally so I essentially blanked him for months and months and months and months….in fact, well over a year! (But not, I have to concede, quite up to two years…)
Actually it is not exactly like Uni Guy because that was largely shyness. This time was all about fear – and you know what, there’s a difference! It sincerely was not about being shy, I was just scared – of what I might be capable of doing.
How I would have loved to have handled this: to just have treated this man exactly the same way as everyone else. Not being more friendly, or less friendly, just exactly the same so that neither he nor anyone else would have been able to suspect anything. Like normal people would do! And that would just have been that, and there would have been no need for this blog post, and life would just have carried on merrily! But oh no! Naturally that would have been far too easy!
Instead of acting in that simple straightforward way, yours truly was so petrified of the situation – that is, petrified largely of herself, that she simply could not bring herself to act normally around this one individual. It was like I was paralysed by my own fear. I couldn’t talk to him, I could not smile at him, many times I could not even acknowledge him. Seriously Tosin?! (Shaking my head).
The smiling thing: people – friends, family, absolute strangers – tell me all the time – literally every day! – that I’ve got a very powerful smile, and to be candid I know it’s true! Right from childhood I’ve been known for always smiling and I love that about myself. I love being able to share positivity and cheerfulness and warmth with people through my smile. So when I have to withhold my smile from someone it feels as if I am actively being mean, and I feel that I have to apologise!
So consider: this is the way that Tosin acts towards men that she is strongly attracted to – and then she wonders why she is single!!! So there I was freely and generously sharing this megawatt baby with absolutely everyone else – except for the one person to whom I was strongly attracted. Think about it girl!!!
What I was scared of: You know what, I like to be candid on this blog but I feel that it would be too much to share this particular thing. The funny thing is that I’ve probably effortlessly shared similar things – even much stronger things – in earlier blog posts AND it is probably really easy to work out. However just here, just now, I would rather not spell it out. What I can freely admit is that what I was scared of was entirely within myself and it caused me to just metaphorically run.
So now finally we get to the most exciting part of all this, which is causing me to giggle hysterically as I type this out. I TOLD HIM!!!! Oh yes I did!!! Oh man, I so do not do things by halves. When I was busy ignoring him, I did not do that by halves, and when I finally explained I did not do that by halves either. I told him, and I was utterly sincere, that he is one of the most attractive people I have ever met. (If anything, that might have been an understatement. It might actually be more honest to say that he is the single most attractive person I have ever met – sorry Uni Guy! He had such presence that I just could not help noticing and looking up every single time he walked by. Seriously! And yet when he spoke he was always so incongruously down-to-earth (which I also found super-attractive, naturally!) Hmm! If I was not feeling so apologetic just now I would take some time to pause and wonder at that!)
I explained everything, going into perhaps unnecessary detail. Seriously, this man probably now knows everything there is of note to know about me.
Unfortunately, the converse is not true at all.
One of the disadvantages of being unable to speak in a normal friendly way with someone is that you don’t find out those pertinent details of their life which you would instantly find out about anyone else. Details such as…hmm – is he married?! Dear Lord, what if he is engaged and in the process of planning his wedding, and I just went and dropped that! Oh my, beyond mortification! I have literally been on Cloud 9 at simply being able to explain and hopefully start to heal the entirely self-created rift between myself and this man. The idea that I might have inadvertently sent that to someone who was in a committed relationship is the only thing that would violently pull me back down to earth from that feeling of euphoria.
Here is the thing: on this blog it is clear that I strongly believe in marriage. But not only my own marriage! I believe in marriage generally and I would never knowingly encroach on anyone else’s man. If I found myself getting attracted to someone who I knew to already be married or in a relationship, I would not bother to explain, I would just leave that situation entirely. In this particular situation I did not know, so I made what enquiries I could – short of actually asking him, of course (!) – and I took a deep breath and…here we are! In a way I guess it is totally wishful thinking that no-one else might already have noticed and fallen for the same things that I noticed but I felt I had to at least try.
At this point, can I please put out a plea to all my brothers reading this – if you are married please please wear a wedding ring – seriously – please!! In fact, I am a staunch advocate of the idea that men should also wear engagement rings! Although admittedly I would have known all that I needed to know if I had simply been able to speak with him!
So if you’re reading this, Mr Immensely Attractive** – which I so hope you are* – I want you to know that every last one of those words was sincere. I’m bracing myself and so nervous at having to face you again after that but I am also greatly looking forward to it; it will be so difficult for me, but this is a challenge I don’t want to run away from (any longer).
The only circumstance in which I wouldn’t look forward to this is if you were already otherwise engaged. I’m sure you would understand in this scenario that I would be cheering you both on from a distance while I wait for God to bring me my very own man. After everything I would not want to offer even innocent friendship but I would simply want to steer clear, for the sake of keeping things completely uncomplicated.
Whatever happens, I totally wish you the very best in life. Also I meant it when I invited myself to…your life, that is, if it is appropriate from what I have written above.
Once again I really hope that this will not have to be goodbye, but if it has to be, then take care, and God bless! 🙂
*because you know, while I was offering my grovelling apology I also cheekily plugged my own blog – after all it is highly relevant!
** This is not the real nickname I had for him! The real nickname – that is, the moderately PC nickname, (because there is at least one other which is even less politically correct though deeply flattering to him; obviously I did not share either nickname with anyone!) was “Mr Too Hot to (possibly) Be H—“. Can anyone guess what that second H word might be?! And believe it or not, to my unspeakable amazement and delight, I was ***so*** wrong!!!