OK, I think that I can admit that this is a very big deal for me! I guess it’s fair to say that the question of whom to marry is a big deal for anyone – especially any single woman. But most blogs and articles etc that I have come across seem to suggest that as a single woman you are looking for someone – almost anyone to commit in marriage, and the goal is almost just to get to the aisle with a “halfway decent guy”. This is not the case for me at all.
For me, marriage represents on one hand so many hopes, and yearnings, and on the other hand so many anxieties and fears. I’ve been thinking about it for so many years, watching couples, reading columns. So on one hand, I dream about what it could be, how beautiful it could be. On the other hand, I think about all I have seen, all the things that people say, and what they don’t say, how SO MANY women stop gushing about their men straight after they get married. (Before the wedding, non-stop exclamations about his un-matchable excellence. After the wedding – sudden silence). I know that it is hard work, harder than most people will admit. For myself, because I have dreamt about a wonderful marriage for such a long time, I have to believe that these dreams are possible, and attainable.
On the other hand, I know that marrying the wrong guy, or marrying the right guy in the wrong way, will be the quickest way to break these dreams. This is why this subject is such a big deal for me. This is why I want to take my time to pray, observe, observe further, assess. I think I definitely need to focus more on prayer. It’s just that when I start to like someone, all I can think of when I’m supposed to be praying “Is he the right one?” is how cute his smile is, how lovely it would be to share loving smiles and tender hugs with him (At which point, I like to check out his arms – yes, they look moderately strong – I think they’ll do the job – sigh!)…. Obviously, this is not a good reason for not praying, but another question – what to pray? Do I pray “God, please make it happen with Bro X”, or do I pray, God please make it happen with the right guy, but dear God, I do quite like Bro X…”?
Another reason why for me this whole issue is so crucial is because I also like to think of myself as being quite ambitious. I want to excel in different aspects of life. However, I also want to be married. Concerning my ambitions, I’ve already invested a lot, made a lot of sacrifices in different ways and I dream of greatness. Yet I know that this can be quite a difficult balance for a woman to maintain. However I don’t want to have to choose between my marriage and my other dreams – I want them both, baby! (and babies too, for that matter!) This is another reason why I have to marry the right guy, and not just any guy. It is possible that there could be someone out there that is simply lovely, tender, sincere etc – and simply an amazing guy. However, if he is not quite as ambitious as I am, he could be the one most effectively dashing my dreams. No matter how excellent he might be in other ways, I know that this would probably start to annoy me eventually, and I would end up being kinda resentful. I sometimes tend to take risks, sometimes huge outrageous risks, and at the moment no-one can really forbid me, or prevent me. People can of course advise me, but at the moment, as a single person, if I really want to do something, if I have made up my mind to do it – then I go ahead and do it. I bear the responsibility for my decisions, and if things don’t work out, I shrug my shoulders and carry on. I don’t really cultivate regrets, as I know that all of these things are stepping stones of experience to where I want to get to. If I was married to Mr Lovely-but-Cautious, he would probably insist that I should be in a job, rather than making yet another go of being self-employed. He might say “Tosin, you’ve already tried this a couple of times, and it has not worked out….”. In vain, I would try to explain to him that most successful people try several times at different ideas before they hit success…. At the moment, I don’t mind trying a million things, as it’s only me to think about if things don’t work out. I would not have that luxury if I had children, of course, of if I was married to Mr LBC. Mr Lovely-but-Cautious might be worried about my risking our savings which we have already spent years to build up…etc etc.
So these are some of the reasons why for me I have to make sure I marry not only a great guy, but also the right guy. If there’s any guy out there, who might be considering me as an option, I kinda hope he’ll be reading this, to see what some of the issues are revolving around in my mind…
These are some of the reasons why I sometimes think to myself, that I want someone who not only accepts my dreams, but who is driven by even bigger dreams of his own, and is happy to take even bigger risks than I am. This way, he might not be fazed if I were to explain that I’m doing this or that… He would understand my rationale in forgoing paid employment…. he would accept the point that many founders of the big companies we take for granted today also had to take very big risks when they were starting out, and along the way, even when they were established. However, some guys like this might deliberately seek out less career-driven women, to provide calmness and stability in their home life which might be missing in their radical pursuits of different exploits… Still, one can only hope!