Let’s talk about money, baby! Crunching the numbers


I’ve been thinking quite a lot about this since I published my earlier  “let’s talk about money” posts:  it’s all very well for me to airily declare that “I don’t care how much money he has or makes!” .  However, the likelihood is that he definitely does care how much money I make!  Because we live in London  and life generally is so expensive  then practically speaking, for many many couples, if not the overwhelming majority of couples, both the husband and the wife will need to be working to make ends meet financially for the family.  This is true enough before kids show up – and I can only imagine that it is all the more true when children do make their appearance.  Perhaps the reason that I have been able to blithely skip over this subject in my mind is because I am a woman. Society typically saddles men with the expectation of financially providing for their families so I would imagine that many men have sat down and thought very prosaically about this. So I was thinking that the likelihood is that any potential husband out there in London, or increasingly anywhere, has thought very pragmatically about a) how much he himself earns b) how much life costs, how much the cost of living might reasonably increase c) from that, how much he might expect or need his wife to earn d)even which career path he might need her to be pursuing, to reasonably meet financial needs both now and in the future.  Perhaps he has a list of viable careers that she should be working in…

Thinking about this has brought me sharply down to earth. Wow, to think that someone might turn me down just like that, because of this!  Perhaps someone might just jump to make assumptions, and would just instantly rule me out thinking that I would not be likely to earn enough to be a viable romantic contender.  Woah! Imagine if someone sized you up through the clothes that you wear, the car you (don’t) drive, and instantly decided that you were not quite at the necessary level. Women have been doing this to men for generations, but to think it could now be happening in both directions!

Can’t afford to fall in love just now!
Because I have been living, romantically speaking, in a world of dreams of hugs and tighter hugs, it has never occurred to me how important the consideration of money is in relationships.  I have always despised as mercenary women who seem preoccupied with considerations of how much their would-be husband might earn. And yet for the first time I think I’m starting to understand the mentality of people who seem to suggest that they cannot afford to fall in love, because it is financially just not convenient.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to be deeply attracted to someone, and to have to tightly control those feelings, and ultimately walk away, without expressing your attraction, because you know that you cannot realistically afford to maintain a home or family, especially at London prices!  And then to make it worse, it does not necessarily feel that things are automatically going to get better or that the average person is necessarily going to rise in their financial status.  So you cannot necessarily console yourself and think: “Well I might not be able to “afford” to fall in love now, but perhaps in 5 years time….”

Actual numbers
So here I am going to consider the actual numbers necessary to afford life in London.
I’d say that the biggest consideration is accommodation, even though pricey London transport also deserves an honorary mention!

Buying a house/flat
Linked here is a list of average house prices in London boroughs as of December 2016.  This does refer to houses rather than flats; I was not able to find a comparable listing for flats. However if we were looking to bring up a family, then perhaps we would be looking to bypass flats altogether and go straight for a house.
The most affordable borough on average as of December 2016 was Barking and Dagenham. if we wanted to buy a house at an average cost in this cheapest borough then we would be looking at buying at approx £290,000.  If we had a deposit of 10% then we would need £29,000 as a deposit, leaving a mortgage of approx £260,000.  If we had a mortgage of 4 times our combined income then we would need to make £65,000 between the two of us every year.

Assuming that he would not reasonably insist that I should earn more than he does every year, then the minimum that he could be earning would be £32,500 per annum, in which case I would also need to be earning the same amount.  Considering that the average salary in London is just under £35,000, then that seems to be viable.  If he is earning £35K, then I could be earning £30K; if he is earning £40K, then I could possibly be earning £25K.

The one difficulty in this might be raising the deposit, which leads me on to the next point: Responsibility to my husband for the way I spend money before marriage, before I even meet him!  Also responsibility for my financial choices, such as the career I chose…

It is possibly regarding the issues of savings/a house deposit/debt that my husband might require me to be accountable to him for the choices I made before I got married or ever met him. Perhaps he will have an expectation of how much in savings I might have built up, relative to my age.  Perhaps he will listen sternly as I try to stammer out an explanation about why I decided not to invest in a regular career or profession*, but rather went all out in my hopes for business success.  In a way, truth be told, I am the person above who cannot afford to fall in love just yet. This is because I have always expected to ultimately be accountable to my husband for the financial choices I have been making before marriage. However, I have also been working with the understanding that I would not actually get married until I was financially successful. In this way, any questionable choices, for instance the lack of a professional career, would be nullified and compensated for by convincing success. To be candid, that convincing financial success has not happened yet!  So if I were to find someone just now, and he were to start asking awkward questions, then I would not be able to give any satisfactory answer; in truth, I did not gamble, but rather acted on faith on the hope of the financial success.  To be honest, by the grace of God, I am quite confident that this success will yet materialise.  However, it is obviously a lot easier to ask someone to trust in success that has already materialised. Which is why I always wanted to wait for the success to happen before I got married!

My financial decisions have been a huge expression of faith.   If my husband does not have the same amount of faith that I do regarding my expectations of financial success, even if he is a very strong Christian, then to him my choices might seem a little…foolhardy. And yet, when I consider the alternative, I am grateful for the choices I have made, and I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had the luxury to make these choices.  For me, the alternative would have been to have invested myself heart and soul into a professional career, to be running myself ragged for the sake of this career, to have no work-life balance to speak of, to be on call 24/7 and to be working every hour that God gives – and then some. And then realistically speaking, I think that the maximum that I would realistically be earning even with all this would be say £70,000; perhaps £75,000  unless I had possibly decided to go into computer programming, in which case it might possibly be double that but with a huge serving of stress to go along with it. In either of those cases, I might easily have been able to afford a house, no question.  Even by myself, without a husband to help! However I am quite quite sure that I would not have had the time to invest in building a business, and certainly not to make all the missteps that I have made business-wise over the course of many years!  I would not have been able to pour my heart into something like this blog that I love so much.  If anything, I would only have been able to invest in something more soulless but with almost guaranteed success.

The way things are currently, I am so blessed to be able to work part time to cover the bills, but then also to have time to invest into my dreams.
Looking back, I now realise that I have been extremely fortunate all along, even through all those many many years of lowly paid jobs, because I somehow always had time to invest in my dreams.  And yet at the time I did not feel blessed, by any means! Rather I complained, I cried incessantly, I asked God time and time again what I was doing wrong, what I may have done to offend Him.  And yet in a way it is arguable that all along I was more fortunate, even more fortunate than an alternative version of myself who might have been earning a lot more money because at no point did I ever find myself trapped into any one particular job or exhaustedly and endlessly running on that treadmill of super-stressful jobs through the need to keep earning a certain amount of money to service the financial commitments I had already made.

Ultimately, I am really hoping that my endeavours finally bear financial fruit. And if, say, in a couple of years, still nothing tangible has happened, and there is no resounding success to speak of, then I would promise to go and finally get a proper job, but I am hoping (and working so, so hard so) that interesting things will happen long before then, so I am hoping that I will not have to make that promise!

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Moving forward:  I don’t feel that I have adequately identified or explained in this post just why I feel so fortunate, compared to an alternative version of myself who might have thrown herself into a high-earning career
OK, I guess the reason I feel so fortunate is all about where I am now. It feels as if things have just surprisingly clicked into place. And I now realise that throughout all those years when I felt as if I was stumbling around, I did not even understand all the variables that were at play or why they were important. If I had had a fuller understanding, then I might have felt discouraged, but thankfully my naïveté in that respect cushioned me. And now I am finally in a place to make the most of all the wisdom I have gained from those years of stumbling around. Also something else is that I also grew to an understanding about myself so that now I can quickly analyse a great idea, and see whether it fits into my own personal characteristics, and whether I will likely have ongoing motivation to be committed to it. If I had chosen a more aggressive career path then on one hand I am certain that God would still have been God and He would have granted me favour in whatever career path I had chosen. However I would not have had the same amount of time to get to know Him, to immerse myself in His truth and His works. Definitely not. And I also doubt that I would have had all that time to gently make those mistakes and to glean all that wisdom, about the world of business and about how I might fit into it. Rather I bet that around about now I would still be trying to force myself into a role that did not really fit, possibly even attaining a measure of success but with that kind of stress that comes from squeezing yourself into somewhere that you were not really designed for. Also I wanted to go into more details about the actual numbers; I might create a growing post dedicated just to numbers and costings of living in London.

*I remembered after writing this that I have been a self-trained webdesigner and offered those services since 2005 – does that count?!  Actually maybe not as I realised my personality just does not fit that role!

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In addition to the out and out bad character which I looked at in the other part to this post, these are some of the reasons I can think of and have come across in real life and while reading extensively about relationships, as to why money might cause strain in marriages: - One person feeling that they are taking all the financial burden/doing all the work while their partner spends too lavishly - One spouse feeling resentful that their spouse seems to be in financial control of the marriage - Not being able to discuss freely or clearly because of the emotional or psychological hang-ups that either or both spouses might have about money - Difficulty deciding or agreeing what to spend money on - Feeling that one person is not pulling their weight in work terms - Not seeming to have enough money between you to make things work, and then that putting strain on the marriage; as well as unspoken accusations, suspicions and frustrations with one another, each partner might be too busy working to have time to truly invest into one another or the marriage; each spouse might grow close to/confide in people who they work with - Feeling that your marriage simply requires too much of you; dreaming of what you could be doing/how you could be spending your time and money if you were "free" - Having vastly different ideologies about money; shocking or even disgusting one another in your mutual approach This is one idea that I have had that might help to alleviate a few of these issues: On one hand it seems easy and obvious. But then if money is the biggest cause of divorce, perhaps it is neither easy nor obvious. Actually, since drawing it up I myself have thought of a few holes that could be easily created in this seemingly simple idea. All the same, the basic idea is very straightforward: Firstly there is a communal family account, or a few; for instance an account for family savings, one for bills. Alongside the communal family account, each spouse will have their own account/s Every time money comes into the family, for instance on monthly paydays, some money will be put aside into the communal funds for bills and communal savings. However, some money will also be put into each spouse's account, crucially, both spouses are to receive the same amount of money as each other. Sometimes the family income will fluctuate, but the important thing is that at any one time the spouses receive the same amount as one another. Crucially, again, each spouse can spend their own funds exactly how they like, without having to be accountable to their spouse. You know how you hear stories like this: a woman went to buy a very expensive item of clothing, then had to hide it from her husband? Or pretend it was on sale? Or a husband went to splash out on a very expensive toy, and his wife was furious? Hopefully this will help to end those arguments. Or you know how they say that some spouses are spenders while others are savers? Well you go ahead and spend just how you like darling- as long as it is with your own money, not our communal funds! Why do I like this idea? Because it allows each spouse to have a level of financial autonomy, while still allowing both of them to act as a united front in terms of looking after the family. I also like the fact that there is an equality in this, that no matter how much each is putting in, both are receiving the same, so that eliminates any financial power imbalance - at least at the point where the funds are distributed. As an unmarried woman, I unconsciously take it for granted that when I do get married I will of course be able to make certain significant financial decisions without necessarily having to consult my husband. With this idea then I can go ahead to make those decisions - as long they only concern me. Where these decisions might concern my husband directly, or the family, then it makes sense that these things should be discussed, and the decision should be taken collectively. Things that you could possibly spend your "own" money on: those very things that usually cause conflict! Perhaps things such as: Your own clothes, shoes, lifestyle Expensive coffee/lunch habits Supporting charities, church (over and above agreed family contributions) Financially supporting family members Building up your personal savings Elaborate gifts for your spouse! How touching would this be: when you know your spouse has been saving up for something really expensive, that they have had their heart set on for years, but you present it to them first, as a gift! That thought is so cute it makes me cry; it shows that you are aware of your spouse, what is important to them, you care about making them happy. Because this is your money (as far as anything can truly be concerned yours, understanding that it all ultimately belongs to God), you can save up for those things that you've always wanted! Expensive jewellery? That gorgeous but overpriced handbag? Save towards starting a business?! Holes? This is where I started finding a few holes in this idea: What if one spouse decided to invest their "own" money into building a business, and it became very successful, and it started bringing in lots of money? Will that money from that business now be considered family money to be divided as normal income, or will it be legitimately considered "their" money, as it is a fruit of their own money that they invested? I think it would be up to the spouses to decide, but it is clear how this could become difficult and painful. ("I invested my money while you spent yours!") I would say though that time also has to be considered: that there should be a certain amount or proportion of time that each spouse is working to contribute towards the family. If this successful spouse is using normal work time or family time to work towards this business, then even though they might have started the business with their own money, they are essentially running it at the expense of the family, and the proceeds should be considered family income. However if they are using normal work time to contribute to the family, and they are doing so adequately, and they are still managing to be emotionally available for their family, and give enough time to their family, and they are running this business from their own spare time, then yes, there is an argument that the money could be considered theirs. This is only a concession though - obviously they can still give it as family income. Also, I bet that there are some people who would resent getting the same amount as their spouses, especially if they are earning more. But this to me is the best way of fulfilling that marriage vow which says "all my worldly goods I share with you" - or however it is phrased. That said, some people are not at all excited by the concept of equality in marriage, but rather salivate about marriage as a power trip over their would-be spouse, or more benignly, simply take it for granted that they are to be the more powerful spouse. So of course such men - sorry, I mean people - would never accept the idea of getting the same amount as their wives spouses. For me such potential spouses are to be avoided. However, this is not necessarily the case for everyone, and perhaps some people would have legitimate reasons for welcoming such a spouse, and even seeking them out. Some women for instance might not overwhelming want or need to feel "equal" in marriage, but might rather prefer to feel protected and cherished and their husbands might consider it their own place to spoil their wives. Each to their own, and I'm sure many of these couples would have fantastically successful marriages. For people who do want to divide funds equally, as well as doing this with money, I think that it is also good to do it with time, so that each spouse can have some time that is fully "theirs" to spend as they wish, without having to ask permission from their spouse - obviously they still need to be accountable to God - obviously within the bounds of what is holy and pure and legal. So if someone wishes to use that "spare time" to build an immensely successful business: all power to them! WHAT I HAVE NOT WORKED OUT- the division between communal funds and individual spouse funds: perhaps each couple needs to experiment to find out what works for them Simplest option: After putting necessary funds aside for family, including essential savings, remaining funds are divided 50/50 between spouses. My only issue with this is that it might encourage the spouses to think quite selfishly about "their" money; the higher the ratio of family money to spouse money, the higher the likelihood of thinking in a team about the family income, rather than thinking individualistically, and possibly almost treating your spouse as a rival. I guess you have to strike a balance between still thinking as a team about the finances on the whole, and leaving enough "spouse money" for each spouse to feel a certain level of independence.
Let’s talk about money, baby! Accounting for our differences
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Let’s talk about money, baby! Character issues

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